Breathe Again
by alwaysalice
Summary: Love and hurt often go hand in hand, and Kate Castle is experiencing this firsthand. Can Castle explain? Can Kate forgive him? AU and angst-y...


_Hey there everyone! I've absolutely disappeared (at least writing-wise) from here, but I am back! This is my first Castle fic, but I am such an avid reader of fanfiction that I like to think that it really isn't. I was thinking of writing a sequel to this one, a much happier one because this one is pretty angsty, but let me know what you think! _

_It's inspired by a song by Sara Bareilles (Breathe Again), which I do not own the rights to. I also don't own Castle. (As much as I'd like to :D) It's pretty AU and OOC, but I hope I at least captured a little bit of their essence._

_Happy Reading!_

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><p>"Please don't go," he begs with tears in his eyes. She hesitates. "Please," he whispers.<p>

"I can't," she says as she leaves, closing the door behind her.

"What have I done," Castle laments.

Kate hails a cab and makes her way home – _to my apartment_, she corrects. _I just left my home._ And with that realization the tears come. When she hands the cabbie the fare he asks if she is all right, but she effectively ignores the question as she closes the door. She opens the door to her apartment, which hasn't been used in months but she hasn't had the heart to sell, and doesn't make it to the couch before she breaks. Her back against the door, knees to her chest, she holds herself as she cries.

Everything aches and she can't stop the sobs that escape her body. _ He is everything. I'm his and I will never find another man like Rick Castle. No one will ever love me like he does. _He knows her so truly, so completely, that it frightens her. _I love him so much it hurts, but how can I let him say something like that to me? How could he think, after _everything_ we've been through, _knowing_ me, that I didn't love him with everything in me? How could he think I would leave him for another man?_ The tears don't stop coming and Kate can't breathe. She gasps for air, only for it to be stolen from her again. _I gave him my life, my heart. I trusted him with everything._ Kate doesn't understand but she knows she can't let Castle have so much control over her. If he doesn't believe in her, in their love, then she'll just have to learn to live without him again.

_I can't carry this burden anymore._

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><p><strong>The Loft<strong>:

"Dad," Alexis says softly.

"Hey, sweetie," Castle answers, braving a smile. "How was school?"

"Fine," Alexis says curtly. "What happened?" Her demand was clear as she walked toward him.

"Lex…" Castle manages to say before his tears fall.

"Daddy," Alexis says gently, sitting in Castle's lap and wrapping her arms around him.

"I hurt her," he said. "I promised her I would never hurt her and I did. I broke her heart, Alexis."

"Shh," Alexis soothes. "She'll come home, Daddy. She will."

Castle shakes his head. "She won't. She won't and all I want is to hold her. I just want to be in her arms."

"Dad, what did you do," Alexis asks.

"I doubted her. I questioned her love, her faithfulness," I whispered. "About this time, with your mother and Gina, they cheated, they left me, and I was so afraid… I am so afraid I'll lose her, Alexis."

"You need to go see her," Alexis says. "She needs to know that." I rest my head on Alexis' temple and take a breath. "I'm going to go be with her, Dad," Alexis says. "I want her to have someone to hold on to…"

Castle nods. "I love you, Alexis."

"I love you, too, Daddy."

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><p><strong>Alexis<strong>:

I leave the loft with an aching heart. Kate is in her empty apartment, hurting, and alone. _She needs me._ When I reach the door, I hear her sobs.

"Kate," I call. "Mom, let me in."

I hear her move and the door opens. She looks so broken, so hurt. I wrap my arms around her and close the door.

"I love you so much," I whisper. "I need you to know that."

A sob breaks through my mom, one like I'd never experienced before. I set us up the way I sat with Dad on the couch, me on her lap holding her in a hug. Mom's head rests on my shoulder and I begin to explain.

"I'm not here to defend him," I say, "or to try to convince you to stay. I know why Dad said what he did, but it's not my place to tell you. I'm here because you deserve to hold someone you love, and who loves you."

"I love him so much, Lex," she says softly.

"I know, Mom. I know you do," I console.

"I don't want you in the middle of this, do you understand me," Mom says. _Always trying to protect me._ "I don't want you to have to take sides," she continues.

"I'm not and I don't have to because you're going to be fine. Maybe not tonight, but you and I are going to go home, Mom, I promise."

"You should be with your Dad, Lex, not me," Mom says sadly.

"Don't do that! Don't think I love him more than I love you," I scolded. I take a deep breath and kiss Mom's cheek. "You need me, Mom."

"You're so special, Lex. I love you so very much."

"I love you, too, Mom. Nothing will ever change that."

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><p>Hours go by before Castle finally finds the courage to go see the love of his life. Alexis had left almost three hours ago to be with Kate and it was killing him that his weren't the arms that held her. When he arrives, he pauses at the door, gathering strength. He knocks, and a few moments later, the door opens to reveal the heart he had broken.<p>

Alexis came to stand behind Kate, her arms around her waist and her chin resting on her shoulder. "I love you, Mom," Castle hears Alexis whisper, as she kisses her cheek and squeezes her one last time. She hugs Castle and whispers, "Be honest with her. I love you, Daddy." Then Alexis leaves, closing the door as she goes.

"I need to explain to you why I said what I did, Kate," Castle says gently.

He walks toward Kate hesitantly, not wanting to assume anything, not wanting to hurt her again. He reaches for her left hand, which she surrenders to him, and kisses her ring finger where the promise of their love lays. "I love you so much," Castle murmurs against her fingers and Kate gives a reassuring squeeze he doesn't really deserve after what he's done to her. When he looks up he sees her beautiful, tear-filled, orbs staring back at him expectantly.

Castle lets go of her, walking to her dining room table and sitting in a chair, defeated, with his head in his hands. After seconds that seem like hours, Kate sets her chair in front of him and crosses her arms. "You're not the only one hurting here, Rick," she says angrily. "It hurts to be here with you, so please… just explain."

He nods, understanding he isn't the one who got hurt; he was the one who did the hurting. "When I married Meredith after we found out that she was pregnant with Alexis, I didn't know if we were going to last, but I gave everything to her and Alexis. Not even a year had gone by before she'd found herself another man to sleep with. She left us."

Rick shares his story looking down at his hands, not wanting to influence Kate's decision before she heard everything. He always knew he didn't deserve her, that she deserved someone better than him, than his life. Even still, she warrants the truth about what he was feeling.

"Then I married Gina," he continues. "Alexis hated her and she hated Alexis because she was always second to her. I thought I loved her. It only took her eight months to leave me." Rick pauses. "Kyra slipped through my fingers. When I finally manned up enough to find her, she was with another man, and happy." He looked up at Kate then. Her arms were still crossed over her chest, as if to protect her heart.

"It's been seven months," Rick says, looking in her eyes, begging her to understand. "Seven beautiful months that I have been your husband. Seven months that I could truly call you mine…" And then it hits her. Kate knows why he'd accused her of not loving him, why he was afraid. Kate wipes the freshly fallen tears from her eyes and stands to sit in Rick's lap and hold him.

"You listen to me Richard Castle," Kate demands, her forehead resting on her husband's. "You are the love of my life. There is no one, nor will there ever be anyone, else but you." Kate holds his face in her hands. "I will never, _ever_, leave you, Rick. I love you too much to even think of letting you go. We'll fight and we'll disagree, but we talk things out and we don't lie to each other. That's what makes us work and what makes this beautiful partnership so special."

"I am so, _so_, sorry," Rick says gently, his voice breaking.

Kate kisses Rick tenderly and whispers, "I forgive you."

Rick lets out a breath he didn't know he had been holding and Kate feels a weight lift off of her heart. Together, they can finally breathe again, just like it should be.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading everyone! Please leave a review! Love, Alice<em>


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